I Wouldn't Rather Be Anywhere Else

This has been a week where I have been seeking and begging for my fidelity to God's guidance. Like waves crashing over me, I get pulled out and then reminded that being with God is the only thing that can ever matter to me. To love God and love people, this is what I was created for. In truth, no matter how distracted I find myself. I know that There is no place I would rather be than right here trying desperately to follow Him. I want to be actually humbled. I want to stop fighting it. I want to stop talking about being humbled. I want to actually be humbled. "Yet God must be right... He clearly has work to do."And with each step I should be growing more dependent on Him. Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be genuine enough, I want to rip out my heart fix whatever is wrong with it and stick it back in. But that isn't the nature of this journey and completely rules out the Guidance. Sometimes I just wish that ceasing to struggle was as tangible as that. I went on a retreat with College Life (Christian Fellowship on UCD campus) and our speaker said: Our response to serving God should be "I can't help but" instead of "I feel like I should." As it is when we find ourselves loving (brotherly or otherwise) our neighbors. I've been thinking lately that the Christian wold always puts our relationship with Christ in terms of a relationship, a friendship. But we never define it. Until recently I didn't really understand the relationship part, even though I've grown up my entire life in relationships. Granted it's an unequal friendship. I am so clearly not on the same plane as God. But He chose to interact with me and I can't help but be changed by that. Every season, there's something different to learn. It's like He's putting together the puzzle of me. The struggles come because I am not finished yet. And in all honestly I wouldn't be much fun to play with when I am finished. I'd just sit there. There wouldn't be any interaction anymore. Life on this earth without interaction with the Spirit of God would be empty, broken, and plain boring for both of us. I really don't like struggling though. So I guess, I struggle with my need to struggle. The little bit in the devotion about God being out end has always bothered me. Maybe I just don't understand it completely yet. But as much as I understand this to be pretty impossible I don't want to have to have an end. I want there to be so little me in me that I don't even start. I guess more like I don't deserve a beginning. The broken people (myself included) on this earth don't want to see me, they want to see Christ. And so I don't even want to start. I don't want to want what I want. I want to want what God wants, with everything I am, and come to only want His wants. I am such a broken and lost person.